Breaking Free (15/many?)
Aug. 24th, 2006 11:26 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
stillroseTitle: Breaking Free (15/many?)
Fandom: BTVS; Spike/Xander
Warnings: Slash, AU, Sci-fi, mild-violence, bit of Dom kink
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Lt. “Xander” Harris and Captain William the Bloody have both suffered and lost in the on going war between the Biogens and Council. Now, Xander finds himself a prisoner of Captain William the Bloody (aka Spike). What will be Xander’s fate?
Ok....I'm up waaay later than I need to be...but I couldn't leave the bois (or y'all) in pain. Sorry didn't respond to comments from 14...chose to try and get 15 done instead. :)
As always: Feedback make my heart go pitter-patter.
Dedicated to the wonderful and generous andartha may life always hold new exciting points of views to discover.
Then Spike left the sitting area and went into the bedroom shutting the hatchway door behind him. Xander didn’t move and just stared at the door for a long time with Spike’s words echoing in his head.
Xander began to cry when he realized, Spike had stopped calling him “pet.”
Xander didn’t know how long he cried after Spike shut the door. Xander certainly didn’t remember falling asleep either. However, he must have fallen asleep at some point because when he opened his eye the bedroom door was open and Spike was gone.
Xander sat up. Apparently he’d slept still curled in a ball at the end of the couch. Blearily he threw his blanket off.. He wasn’t sure of the time; but it felt early. Memories from the night before came at him again and he found he still had more tears to cry.
“Spike,” Xander whispered. Xander had never really stopped wanting to die since the horrible day Jesse been killed, but this was the first time Xander truly felt the universe would have been a much better place if Xander had died.
Xander stood up and looked around the cabin. He was lost. He wasn’t sure what to do next or where to go; so he just followed routine. He tidied up the sitting area and then got ready to take a shower. It was only as was undressing that realized his patch was off. Xander looked over at the dresser and there it lay.
Once again tears formed in Xander’s eyes. Spike must have taken Xander’s patch off some time after Xander fell asleep. Xander didn’t know if that broke his heart a little more or gave him hope.
***
After his shower, Xander made his way to the mess to begin preparing for the morning chime. Gunn was already there sitting at the table.
“You’re up early,” Xander remarked.
“Early bird catches pneumonia,” Gunn muttered as he chugged some proto-fizz. “Or in this case gets thrown out of the bridge by his whiskey wielding captain and locked out before his shift’s ended. Wouldn’t know anything about that would you Xan?”
“Spike locke…” Xander began not really answering the question.
Gunn stood up and grabbed Xander by the collar.
“You know I’ve just about had it with you! Since you’ve been on board the mess had been trashed, I’ve pulled a gun on Spike, been made to look like a fool, and now thrown off the bridge.” Gunn shook Xander for emphasis.
“Now, Spike’s locked himself a way like it was Dru day! And you? You’re here making breakfast?”
“Gunn…” Xander tried again.
“I don’t care what’s gone down, Council Boy,” Gunn shouted and Xander winced at the “Council Boy.” “But if things don’t start getting a whole lot better on this ship a whole lot quick somebody is going to have a real bad accident with the air lock! Do you get my meaning?”
Xander nodded and Gunn let him go before storming out of the mess. Spike’s locked himself away? Xander thought as he tried to go back to prepping for the morning meal. What’s a Dru day?
Xander was still no closer to having any answers when the morning chime came but the food was ready. Only none of the crew showed up for chow. Xander paced trying to figure out where everyone was and whether or not he should start stowing the food away, since he really wasn’t that hungry.
Finally, Xander used the ship’s communicator and tried to hail Fred.
“Fred,” Xander said tentatively.
“Fred here,” came the clipped reply.
“Uhm…breakfast is ready,” Xander said.
“I’ll be skipping mess today,” Fred answered. “I’ve got a lot of maintenance to do on the engines.”
“Oh, well do you want me to fix anything and send it down to you?”
“Yes, Xander” Fred replied. “I do want you to fix something. I want you to fix whatever happened with Spike because if you don’t…”
Xander’s eye widened at Fred’s steely tone and the long pause.
“…you’ll be amazed at what that collar can be programmed to think constitutes a threat. Fred out.”
Xander collapsed in a chair and fingered the collar around his neck. Some how he knew Fred would do it. She had that same toneWillow
“It’s a small ship,” Wes said. Xander jumped.
“You read minds?” Xander asked.
Wes shook his head. “Just remarking that it’s a small ship and if the captain’s gone a bit around bend; it tends to affect everyone.”
“Breakfast,” Xander meekly offered.
“No, thank you,” Wes said. “Had a proto-fizz earlier with Gunn when he called to tell me about Spike throwing him off the bridge.”
“So…” Xander began.
“I’m here to tell you to figure out what you want,” Wes replied. “Either want Spike or want the Council but you can’t have both. If you keep trying to have it both ways you are going to wind up getting more than just yourself and Spike terribly hurt.”
“Wes…” Xander began again.
“It is that simple, Xander. Do you think when I made the decision to leave it was easy? I could have my father’s approval, my position as a Watcher or I could have the truth and my self respect. I couldn’t have both. I was lucky I had a talented Regent who wanted the same things and came with me or else, I probably wouldn’t have made it. But either way I had to make a choice, and so do you.”
Wes turned to leave.
“Wes!” Xander shouted after him. “What’s a ‘Dru day?’”
Wes paused without turning back to look at Xander.
“Dru day, it’s the anniversary of Drusilla’s death. Spike is always a bit…edgy that day.”
“What happened to her?” Xander asked.
“Didn’t they teach that at the academy?” Wes replied and turned to look at Xander.
“I want to hear it from you,” answered Xander.
“Dru was badly injured at the battle of Prague. She probably should not have been in the fight at all, but she was always at Spike’s side. Her injuries were such that she required large amounts of nutrients and rest if the nanites in her system had any hope in repairing the damage. Spike and Angel left her on the Whedon colony to heal while they tried to rescue more Biogens and regroup. Only the Council found the fall back position and sent in Kendra.”
“The first Regent,” Xander said.
Wesley nodded and continued. “Dru wasn’t in any shape to fight. She didn’t actually. According to Kendra’s watcher Dru stood and faced Kendra when Kendra entered the room. Dru said, ‘It’s long past bed time and I so want bread and jam with tea in the morning.’ Then, Kendra removed her head.”
“But…” Xander said.
“That’s not the Council version Xander. That’s the truth. Watchers may be a function of the Council used to train and help Regents but we’re also watchers. We record everything the girls do and study it for patterns of behavior or insights that will help us keep the Regents under control. The Council learned a little something from their mistake with the Biogens.”
“Spike wasn’t there for Drusilla when she died,” Xander said quietly.
“No,” Wesley said, “and he has a long life to live with that.”
“But he did kill Kendra,” observed Xander.
“Yes,” Wesley answered. “She was the first Regent he killed.”
Xander fell silent with no more questions to ask and Wesley left the room. Xander stay sitting at the table for a long time before he began to pack away the morning meal. He left a few items out for lunch.
When no one arrived for the lunch chime Xander finally listened to the rumbling in his stomach and ate a little. Then he packed everything away. He debated about starting something for dinner but decided to reorganize the mess.
It was approaching the dinner chime when Faith strolled in to the mess.
“If you’re here to threaten me,” Xander said as he was putting things back on a shelf, “get in line.”
Faith hopped up on the table and smiled at Xander. “Actually here to see how you are doing.”
“Why?” Xander asked as he turned to look at Faith as she perched on the table.
“I take it something heavy went down last night,” Faith replied.
“I mean why do you care how I’m doing?”
“Jesse,” Faith answered. Xander bristled.
‘I’m fine and you can go back to where ever you crawled out from,” Xander said.
“Boy you really aren’t the brightest bulb are you?” Faith said as she shook her head.
“And you…” Xander started.
“Xander, did you ever think that if you just shut up and listen once in awhile instead of running your mouth you might have a few less bruises and more happy nights?” Faith interrupted.
Xander narrowed his eye and looked at her.
“I’d say I don’t know why I bother, but I’ve already told you,” Faith said. “He cared about you, you know?”
“Spike?” Xander asked confused.
“Jesse!” Faith said.
“I don’t’ want to ta…”
“Then don’t. Listen!” Faith interrupted again. “Jesse and I. Yeah, we weren’t together long but it was long enough for pillow talk. And he liked to talk over the pillows. He liked to talk about you. He hoped someday you’d find some one who cared for you like you deserved to be cared for. Jesse knew how you felt and he knew he couldn’t give you what you wanted.”
Xander looked down hiding his too personal pain.
“But he did care for you Xan. You were his best friend. And sometimes he’d sound sad when he talked about you. Sad cuz he thought he did you wrong.”
Xander looked back up at Faith.
“He thoughtWillow
“Jesse didn’t think…” Xander started feeling the old familiar friend of failure rush through him.
“Not for the reasons you think,” Faith said as she hopped off the table and stepped over to put a hand on Xander’s shoulder. “Deep down Jesse knew you were a good man Xander. A really good man with a good heart. He didn’t think being a soldier for the Council was right for you…because deep down he didn’t think you believed in the cause.”
“I did…do!” Xander shouted angrily.
Faith shook her head. “Jesse believed you were loyal to your friends but not the cause.”
Xander was stunned at Faith’s words. Was that really what Jesse had thought? Had Xander always been a good soldier because of his friends and not because he truly believed in the Council? Had he even cared about the Council line or was it all just rote words and phrases he remembered to be able to stay with Wills, Buffy and Jess? Is that why he hadn’t followed protocol? Is that why he tried so hard now? He failed Jesse and he tried to make up for the failure by…?
“I…” Xander just stared at Faith. He didn’t know what to say. He didn’t know what to think.
“I have to leave,” Xander said and then left Faith standing in the mess.
***
Xander haunted the corridors where he was authorized and the cargo bay. He wandered and he thought. Xander wished he could talk toWillow
A part of Xander wanted to cry. Jesse used to be his center. Buffy andWillow
Xander didn’t know why. It wasn’t just the way they’d been together; it was Spike. Xander was drawn to Spike in ways he didn’t understand. Some part of Xander just wanted to surrender to Spike. Maybe Spike couldn’t fix Xander’s world. Maybe Spike couldn’t repair the shambles but Xander could hold on to Spike; if Spike let him.
If Spike still wants me, thought Xander as he started making his way back to the cabin.
Spike wasn’t in the cabin when Xander arrived. Xander’s heart sank. It was long past the dinner chime.
Xander thought about trying to hail Spike on the communicator but thought better of it. Instead he’d wait for Spike. Xander thought about waiting on the couch; but decided to wait in the bedroom instead. That way, if Xander was asleep when Spike got back and didn’t want Xander in his bed, he’d have to wake Xander up.
He didn't expect to fall asleep. He wanted to see Spike, but boredom and recent emotional upheaval got the best of Xander and he did fall asleep. However, something did work according to plan because Xander woke to the shout of “Harris!”
Xander sat up and tried to blink the sleep out of his eye as he focused on Spike.
“Wot are you doing in here?” Spike growled. “Thought we established you’d be sleeping on the couch?”
Xander could smell the whiskey on Spike’s breath. Had he been drinking all day? Xander wondered.
“Uhm..I didn’t mean to fall asleep,” Xander said.
“Then wot are you doing in here, Harris?”
“I wanted to talk to you. I fell asleep while waiting.”
“You and I have nothing to talk about, Harris,” Spike barked and he turned to walk back into the sitting room towards the bar.
“Wai..I know,” Xander replied as he jumped off the bed. “But you and I do!”
Spike turned and arched an eyebrow, “Daft now, Harris?”
“What I mean,” Xander tried to explain, “is that Spike and Lt. Alexander LeVelle Harris have nothing to say to each other. I get that. I do. But…”
Spike narrowed his eyes; they were flecked with gold.
“Spike and his pet have a lot to say to each other,” Xander sputtered out as bravely as he could.
“They do?” Spike asked as he took a step closer to Xander. Tension and anger radiated from him like heat from a coil drive.
“They do,” Xander continued without retreating before Spike no matter how desperately he wanted to do so.
“And what do ‘they’ have to talk about, Harris?” Spike asked.
“Spike...,” Xander began and then halted for a minute trying to find the right words. “I think I’m a lot like you.”
Spike laughed and advanced on Xander. Spike was full in game face and his beautiful blue eyes were a lethal yellow.
“You? Like me? How, Council Boy?” Spike snarled.
“That’s just it,” Xander whispered looking into Spike’s deadly eyes. “I don’t think I am a ‘Council Boy..not really”
“What?” Spike said as he grabbed Xander and jerked him close. “A couple of good humps? One good scare and you’re a convert?”
“No,” whispered Xander as he tried to ignore Spike’s painful grip. “I mean…yeah..I may have had a mom and I may have had a dad…and I had …have friends...good friends…but all I’ve ever known Spike was the Council. I’ve lived in the ‘Dale all my life..I never saw the hardships Gunn saw. I never had the curiosity of Fred…or whatever her story is…I didn’t have a watcher with super secret information on what the Council does…all I knew was what the Council said and I believed them…why shouldn’t I?”
Spike’s grip tightened even more as Xander babbled.
“..but…I had friends..and they were all I cared about..all I wanted…until…”
“Until wot, Harris?”
“Until you,” Xander answered.
“Don’t toy with me!” Spike said as he shook Xander.
“I’m not!” Xander cried. “You are a Biogen. You know if I’m lying! Look at me! Am I lying?”
Spike looked Xander over. He listened to his heart and scented him for anything that might betray Xander and he couldn’t find it. Spike shook Xander again and let him go. Xander stumbled but caught himself on the bedroom archway.
“It’s not enough, Xander,” Spike said quietly. “It doesn’t change anything.”
“Yes! Yes it does!” Xander insisted.
“You’re Cou…” Spike started to say but Xander reached out and put his hand to Spike’s mouth.
“I’m your pet, Spike. I won’t betray my friends,” Xander said quietly, “but I won’t betray you either.”
Once again Spike looked over Xander and tried to check for any deceit. He found none. Something tight inside of Spike began to uncoil. Spike reached up and gently pulled Xander’s hand from Spike’s mouth.
“Don’t say it if you don’t mean it,” Spike whispered.
“I do,” Xander answered.
Spike felt the rage that had been burning in him for almost twenty-four rotations begin to slip away along with his enhanced face. The hurt he’d been carrying began to unclench and he found himself reaching out to cup Xander’s face.
“How can you after…” Spike started to ask barely bringing himself to say the words, “..after wot I almost did to you last night?”
“You didn’t, Spike. You couldn’t…and…I’d give anything,” Xander choked “if I could take away some of that pain…anything…even my right eye.”
“Shhh!” Spike began to kiss both of his boy’s eyebrows and murmured. “Don’t you say that, Xander. Don’t you fuckin’ say that!”
Xander brought his arms around Spike’s waist and pulled him close; hugging him tight.
“I don’t know what to believe in any more or what to hold on to,” Xander whispered. “Please, Spike, let me believe in you…let me hold on to you.”
Spike pulled back from kissing Xander’s eyebrows and looked at his boy.
“I’m never letting you go, pet,” Spike vowed. At the word “pet” something inside of Xander came to life and another part of him became frightened. What if I screw this up again? Xander thought.
“Even if..if I do something stupid and…,” Xander began to babble.
“Be as mouthy, stupid and annoying as you’re gonna be, pet,” Spike said as he leaned in to claim his boy’s mouth, “but you had you’re chance to walk away and now your MINE.”
Xander once again gladly submitted and surrendered to Spike opening his mouth and letting Spike claim him. Spike tasted of too much whiskey, too little sleep and hunger. Xander loved it and chased the flavors with his own tongue until Spike groaned.
Spike broke the kiss and smiled. His boy was flushed and looked well kissed. Spike could smell his boy’s want and need. Spike’s own need was just as strong but he needed a shower and a rest before he took his boy the way he wanted. Xander didn’t deserve a drunken sleepy fuck.
“C’mon, pet,” Spike said as he took Xander’s hand and steered him back into the bedroom. “Shower time and then sleep.”
“Sleep?” Xander asked.
“Sleep, pet,” Spike said. “What I need most from you right now is just to feel you snuggled up and warm next to me while I sleep. I’m too tired and too pissed to give you the proper shagging you deserve.”
Xander blushed.
“Oi! You keep doing that and we’re never gonna get to sleep.” Spike laughed and once again kissed his boy. Then Spike swatted his pet on the butt. “Now strip!”
“Anyone ever tell you, you were bossy?” Xander retorted with a hidden smile as he got undressed.
“Not if they wanted to live,” Spike growled while hungrily leering at his boy.
Xander rolled his eye. “Bully!”
“Git!” Spike grinned.
The two men traded barbs and insults all through their shower. Xander protested Spike washing him and Spike did it any way. They continued with their “fight” until they climbed in bed. Once again Spike arranged his boy until Xander was draped across Spike with his head on Spike’s chest.
Spike began to card his fingers through Xander’s hair.
“Exactly how long am I going to have to grow my hair?” Xander mumbled into Spike’s chest.
“Shhh!" Spike laughed. "Go to sleep. Trust me when I say, pet, your going ta need it.”
Xander grinned and hugged Spike tight. Then he relaxed and let Spike stroke his hair. Xander was asleep long before Spike had reveled enough in the feel and scent of his boy to truly trust Xander was his.
TBC in prt 16
Xander began to cry when he realized, Spike had stopped calling him “pet.”
Xander didn’t know how long he cried after Spike shut the door. Xander certainly didn’t remember falling asleep either. However, he must have fallen asleep at some point because when he opened his eye the bedroom door was open and Spike was gone.
Xander sat up. Apparently he’d slept still curled in a ball at the end of the couch. Blearily he threw his blanket off.. He wasn’t sure of the time; but it felt early. Memories from the night before came at him again and he found he still had more tears to cry.
“Spike,” Xander whispered. Xander had never really stopped wanting to die since the horrible day Jesse been killed, but this was the first time Xander truly felt the universe would have been a much better place if Xander had died.
Xander stood up and looked around the cabin. He was lost. He wasn’t sure what to do next or where to go; so he just followed routine. He tidied up the sitting area and then got ready to take a shower. It was only as was undressing that realized his patch was off. Xander looked over at the dresser and there it lay.
Once again tears formed in Xander’s eyes. Spike must have taken Xander’s patch off some time after Xander fell asleep. Xander didn’t know if that broke his heart a little more or gave him hope.
***
After his shower, Xander made his way to the mess to begin preparing for the morning chime. Gunn was already there sitting at the table.
“You’re up early,” Xander remarked.
“Early bird catches pneumonia,” Gunn muttered as he chugged some proto-fizz. “Or in this case gets thrown out of the bridge by his whiskey wielding captain and locked out before his shift’s ended. Wouldn’t know anything about that would you Xan?”
“Spike locke…” Xander began not really answering the question.
Gunn stood up and grabbed Xander by the collar.
“You know I’ve just about had it with you! Since you’ve been on board the mess had been trashed, I’ve pulled a gun on Spike, been made to look like a fool, and now thrown off the bridge.” Gunn shook Xander for emphasis.
“Now, Spike’s locked himself a way like it was Dru day! And you? You’re here making breakfast?”
“Gunn…” Xander tried again.
“I don’t care what’s gone down, Council Boy,” Gunn shouted and Xander winced at the “Council Boy.” “But if things don’t start getting a whole lot better on this ship a whole lot quick somebody is going to have a real bad accident with the air lock! Do you get my meaning?”
Xander nodded and Gunn let him go before storming out of the mess. Spike’s locked himself away? Xander thought as he tried to go back to prepping for the morning meal. What’s a Dru day?
Xander was still no closer to having any answers when the morning chime came but the food was ready. Only none of the crew showed up for chow. Xander paced trying to figure out where everyone was and whether or not he should start stowing the food away, since he really wasn’t that hungry.
Finally, Xander used the ship’s communicator and tried to hail Fred.
“Fred,” Xander said tentatively.
“Fred here,” came the clipped reply.
“Uhm…breakfast is ready,” Xander said.
“I’ll be skipping mess today,” Fred answered. “I’ve got a lot of maintenance to do on the engines.”
“Oh, well do you want me to fix anything and send it down to you?”
“Yes, Xander” Fred replied. “I do want you to fix something. I want you to fix whatever happened with Spike because if you don’t…”
Xander’s eye widened at Fred’s steely tone and the long pause.
“…you’ll be amazed at what that collar can be programmed to think constitutes a threat. Fred out.”
Xander collapsed in a chair and fingered the collar around his neck. Some how he knew Fred would do it. She had that same tone
“It’s a small ship,” Wes said. Xander jumped.
“You read minds?” Xander asked.
Wes shook his head. “Just remarking that it’s a small ship and if the captain’s gone a bit around bend; it tends to affect everyone.”
“Breakfast,” Xander meekly offered.
“No, thank you,” Wes said. “Had a proto-fizz earlier with Gunn when he called to tell me about Spike throwing him off the bridge.”
“So…” Xander began.
“I’m here to tell you to figure out what you want,” Wes replied. “Either want Spike or want the Council but you can’t have both. If you keep trying to have it both ways you are going to wind up getting more than just yourself and Spike terribly hurt.”
“Wes…” Xander began again.
“It is that simple, Xander. Do you think when I made the decision to leave it was easy? I could have my father’s approval, my position as a Watcher or I could have the truth and my self respect. I couldn’t have both. I was lucky I had a talented Regent who wanted the same things and came with me or else, I probably wouldn’t have made it. But either way I had to make a choice, and so do you.”
Wes turned to leave.
“Wes!” Xander shouted after him. “What’s a ‘Dru day?’”
Wes paused without turning back to look at Xander.
“Dru day, it’s the anniversary of Drusilla’s death. Spike is always a bit…edgy that day.”
“What happened to her?” Xander asked.
“Didn’t they teach that at the academy?” Wes replied and turned to look at Xander.
“I want to hear it from you,” answered Xander.
“Dru was badly injured at the battle of Prague. She probably should not have been in the fight at all, but she was always at Spike’s side. Her injuries were such that she required large amounts of nutrients and rest if the nanites in her system had any hope in repairing the damage. Spike and Angel left her on the Whedon colony to heal while they tried to rescue more Biogens and regroup. Only the Council found the fall back position and sent in Kendra.”
“The first Regent,” Xander said.
Wesley nodded and continued. “Dru wasn’t in any shape to fight. She didn’t actually. According to Kendra’s watcher Dru stood and faced Kendra when Kendra entered the room. Dru said, ‘It’s long past bed time and I so want bread and jam with tea in the morning.’ Then, Kendra removed her head.”
“But…” Xander said.
“That’s not the Council version Xander. That’s the truth. Watchers may be a function of the Council used to train and help Regents but we’re also watchers. We record everything the girls do and study it for patterns of behavior or insights that will help us keep the Regents under control. The Council learned a little something from their mistake with the Biogens.”
“Spike wasn’t there for Drusilla when she died,” Xander said quietly.
“No,” Wesley said, “and he has a long life to live with that.”
“But he did kill Kendra,” observed Xander.
“Yes,” Wesley answered. “She was the first Regent he killed.”
Xander fell silent with no more questions to ask and Wesley left the room. Xander stay sitting at the table for a long time before he began to pack away the morning meal. He left a few items out for lunch.
When no one arrived for the lunch chime Xander finally listened to the rumbling in his stomach and ate a little. Then he packed everything away. He debated about starting something for dinner but decided to reorganize the mess.
It was approaching the dinner chime when Faith strolled in to the mess.
“If you’re here to threaten me,” Xander said as he was putting things back on a shelf, “get in line.”
Faith hopped up on the table and smiled at Xander. “Actually here to see how you are doing.”
“Why?” Xander asked as he turned to look at Faith as she perched on the table.
“I take it something heavy went down last night,” Faith replied.
“I mean why do you care how I’m doing?”
“Jesse,” Faith answered. Xander bristled.
‘I’m fine and you can go back to where ever you crawled out from,” Xander said.
“Boy you really aren’t the brightest bulb are you?” Faith said as she shook her head.
“And you…” Xander started.
“Xander, did you ever think that if you just shut up and listen once in awhile instead of running your mouth you might have a few less bruises and more happy nights?” Faith interrupted.
Xander narrowed his eye and looked at her.
“I’d say I don’t know why I bother, but I’ve already told you,” Faith said. “He cared about you, you know?”
“Spike?” Xander asked confused.
“Jesse!” Faith said.
“I don’t’ want to ta…”
“Then don’t. Listen!” Faith interrupted again. “Jesse and I. Yeah, we weren’t together long but it was long enough for pillow talk. And he liked to talk over the pillows. He liked to talk about you. He hoped someday you’d find some one who cared for you like you deserved to be cared for. Jesse knew how you felt and he knew he couldn’t give you what you wanted.”
Xander looked down hiding his too personal pain.
“But he did care for you Xan. You were his best friend. And sometimes he’d sound sad when he talked about you. Sad cuz he thought he did you wrong.”
Xander looked back up at Faith.
“He thought
“Jesse didn’t think…” Xander started feeling the old familiar friend of failure rush through him.
“Not for the reasons you think,” Faith said as she hopped off the table and stepped over to put a hand on Xander’s shoulder. “Deep down Jesse knew you were a good man Xander. A really good man with a good heart. He didn’t think being a soldier for the Council was right for you…because deep down he didn’t think you believed in the cause.”
“I did…do!” Xander shouted angrily.
Faith shook her head. “Jesse believed you were loyal to your friends but not the cause.”
Xander was stunned at Faith’s words. Was that really what Jesse had thought? Had Xander always been a good soldier because of his friends and not because he truly believed in the Council? Had he even cared about the Council line or was it all just rote words and phrases he remembered to be able to stay with Wills, Buffy and Jess? Is that why he hadn’t followed protocol? Is that why he tried so hard now? He failed Jesse and he tried to make up for the failure by…?
“I…” Xander just stared at Faith. He didn’t know what to say. He didn’t know what to think.
“I have to leave,” Xander said and then left Faith standing in the mess.
***
Xander haunted the corridors where he was authorized and the cargo bay. He wandered and he thought. Xander wished he could talk to
A part of Xander wanted to cry. Jesse used to be his center. Buffy and
Xander didn’t know why. It wasn’t just the way they’d been together; it was Spike. Xander was drawn to Spike in ways he didn’t understand. Some part of Xander just wanted to surrender to Spike. Maybe Spike couldn’t fix Xander’s world. Maybe Spike couldn’t repair the shambles but Xander could hold on to Spike; if Spike let him.
If Spike still wants me, thought Xander as he started making his way back to the cabin.
Spike wasn’t in the cabin when Xander arrived. Xander’s heart sank. It was long past the dinner chime.
Xander thought about trying to hail Spike on the communicator but thought better of it. Instead he’d wait for Spike. Xander thought about waiting on the couch; but decided to wait in the bedroom instead. That way, if Xander was asleep when Spike got back and didn’t want Xander in his bed, he’d have to wake Xander up.
He didn't expect to fall asleep. He wanted to see Spike, but boredom and recent emotional upheaval got the best of Xander and he did fall asleep. However, something did work according to plan because Xander woke to the shout of “Harris!”
Xander sat up and tried to blink the sleep out of his eye as he focused on Spike.
“Wot are you doing in here?” Spike growled. “Thought we established you’d be sleeping on the couch?”
Xander could smell the whiskey on Spike’s breath. Had he been drinking all day? Xander wondered.
“Uhm..I didn’t mean to fall asleep,” Xander said.
“Then wot are you doing in here, Harris?”
“I wanted to talk to you. I fell asleep while waiting.”
“You and I have nothing to talk about, Harris,” Spike barked and he turned to walk back into the sitting room towards the bar.
“Wai..I know,” Xander replied as he jumped off the bed. “But you and I do!”
Spike turned and arched an eyebrow, “Daft now, Harris?”
“What I mean,” Xander tried to explain, “is that Spike and Lt. Alexander LeVelle Harris have nothing to say to each other. I get that. I do. But…”
Spike narrowed his eyes; they were flecked with gold.
“Spike and his pet have a lot to say to each other,” Xander sputtered out as bravely as he could.
“They do?” Spike asked as he took a step closer to Xander. Tension and anger radiated from him like heat from a coil drive.
“They do,” Xander continued without retreating before Spike no matter how desperately he wanted to do so.
“And what do ‘they’ have to talk about, Harris?” Spike asked.
“Spike...,” Xander began and then halted for a minute trying to find the right words. “I think I’m a lot like you.”
Spike laughed and advanced on Xander. Spike was full in game face and his beautiful blue eyes were a lethal yellow.
“You? Like me? How, Council Boy?” Spike snarled.
“That’s just it,” Xander whispered looking into Spike’s deadly eyes. “I don’t think I am a ‘Council Boy..not really”
“What?” Spike said as he grabbed Xander and jerked him close. “A couple of good humps? One good scare and you’re a convert?”
“No,” whispered Xander as he tried to ignore Spike’s painful grip. “I mean…yeah..I may have had a mom and I may have had a dad…and I had …have friends...good friends…but all I’ve ever known Spike was the Council. I’ve lived in the ‘Dale all my life..I never saw the hardships Gunn saw. I never had the curiosity of Fred…or whatever her story is…I didn’t have a watcher with super secret information on what the Council does…all I knew was what the Council said and I believed them…why shouldn’t I?”
Spike’s grip tightened even more as Xander babbled.
“..but…I had friends..and they were all I cared about..all I wanted…until…”
“Until wot, Harris?”
“Until you,” Xander answered.
“Don’t toy with me!” Spike said as he shook Xander.
“I’m not!” Xander cried. “You are a Biogen. You know if I’m lying! Look at me! Am I lying?”
Spike looked Xander over. He listened to his heart and scented him for anything that might betray Xander and he couldn’t find it. Spike shook Xander again and let him go. Xander stumbled but caught himself on the bedroom archway.
“It’s not enough, Xander,” Spike said quietly. “It doesn’t change anything.”
“Yes! Yes it does!” Xander insisted.
“You’re Cou…” Spike started to say but Xander reached out and put his hand to Spike’s mouth.
“I’m your pet, Spike. I won’t betray my friends,” Xander said quietly, “but I won’t betray you either.”
Once again Spike looked over Xander and tried to check for any deceit. He found none. Something tight inside of Spike began to uncoil. Spike reached up and gently pulled Xander’s hand from Spike’s mouth.
“Don’t say it if you don’t mean it,” Spike whispered.
“I do,” Xander answered.
Spike felt the rage that had been burning in him for almost twenty-four rotations begin to slip away along with his enhanced face. The hurt he’d been carrying began to unclench and he found himself reaching out to cup Xander’s face.
“How can you after…” Spike started to ask barely bringing himself to say the words, “..after wot I almost did to you last night?”
“You didn’t, Spike. You couldn’t…and…I’d give anything,” Xander choked “if I could take away some of that pain…anything…even my right eye.”
“Shhh!” Spike began to kiss both of his boy’s eyebrows and murmured. “Don’t you say that, Xander. Don’t you fuckin’ say that!”
Xander brought his arms around Spike’s waist and pulled him close; hugging him tight.
“I don’t know what to believe in any more or what to hold on to,” Xander whispered. “Please, Spike, let me believe in you…let me hold on to you.”
Spike pulled back from kissing Xander’s eyebrows and looked at his boy.
“I’m never letting you go, pet,” Spike vowed. At the word “pet” something inside of Xander came to life and another part of him became frightened. What if I screw this up again? Xander thought.
“Even if..if I do something stupid and…,” Xander began to babble.
“Be as mouthy, stupid and annoying as you’re gonna be, pet,” Spike said as he leaned in to claim his boy’s mouth, “but you had you’re chance to walk away and now your MINE.”
Xander once again gladly submitted and surrendered to Spike opening his mouth and letting Spike claim him. Spike tasted of too much whiskey, too little sleep and hunger. Xander loved it and chased the flavors with his own tongue until Spike groaned.
Spike broke the kiss and smiled. His boy was flushed and looked well kissed. Spike could smell his boy’s want and need. Spike’s own need was just as strong but he needed a shower and a rest before he took his boy the way he wanted. Xander didn’t deserve a drunken sleepy fuck.
“C’mon, pet,” Spike said as he took Xander’s hand and steered him back into the bedroom. “Shower time and then sleep.”
“Sleep?” Xander asked.
“Sleep, pet,” Spike said. “What I need most from you right now is just to feel you snuggled up and warm next to me while I sleep. I’m too tired and too pissed to give you the proper shagging you deserve.”
Xander blushed.
“Oi! You keep doing that and we’re never gonna get to sleep.” Spike laughed and once again kissed his boy. Then Spike swatted his pet on the butt. “Now strip!”
“Anyone ever tell you, you were bossy?” Xander retorted with a hidden smile as he got undressed.
“Not if they wanted to live,” Spike growled while hungrily leering at his boy.
Xander rolled his eye. “Bully!”
“Git!” Spike grinned.
The two men traded barbs and insults all through their shower. Xander protested Spike washing him and Spike did it any way. They continued with their “fight” until they climbed in bed. Once again Spike arranged his boy until Xander was draped across Spike with his head on Spike’s chest.
Spike began to card his fingers through Xander’s hair.
“Exactly how long am I going to have to grow my hair?” Xander mumbled into Spike’s chest.
“Shhh!" Spike laughed. "Go to sleep. Trust me when I say, pet, your going ta need it.”
Xander grinned and hugged Spike tight. Then he relaxed and let Spike stroke his hair. Xander was asleep long before Spike had reveled enough in the feel and scent of his boy to truly trust Xander was his.
TBC in prt 16
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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Date: 2006-08-25 04:58 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-08-25 04:59 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-08-25 07:47 pm (UTC)sr
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Date: 2006-08-25 05:09 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-08-25 07:47 pm (UTC)sr
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Date: 2006-08-25 05:15 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-08-25 07:48 pm (UTC)sr
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Date: 2006-08-25 05:23 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-08-25 07:48 pm (UTC)sr
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Date: 2006-08-25 05:33 am (UTC)Love it! (^_^)
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Date: 2006-08-25 07:49 pm (UTC)sr
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Date: 2006-08-25 05:49 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-08-25 07:49 pm (UTC)sr
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Date: 2006-08-25 06:59 am (UTC)Poor Xander, subtle he is not. That was the clumsiest attempt to get information I have ever seen. Poor Spike, horrors in his past and pain. I think I am beginning to understand the social set-up and the power structures here and the whole Angel/Angelus thing.
"I won't betray my friends," Xander said quietly, "but I won't betray you either." That is the best compromise, and true to Xander's soul.
Very nice. Very coherent universe. Very satisfying story. Thanks.
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Date: 2006-08-25 07:51 pm (UTC):) It's xander..subtley not his strong suit..
thanks..I try...
sr
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Date: 2006-08-25 07:34 am (UTC)Maybe I'm just trying to create problems.
I adore that Spike and Xander made up though. They each deserve the comfort!
Thank you...
Date: 2006-09-01 02:15 am (UTC)sr
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Date: 2006-08-25 07:52 am (UTC)thank you..
Date: 2006-09-01 02:16 am (UTC)sorry for the long delay in commenting.
Should have the next chap out in a couple of days.
sr
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Date: 2006-08-25 12:25 pm (UTC)I'd hate for all that bad feeling to last till then. Now, hopefully, we have lovely smoochies and hotness coming up on Sunday...sorry, that wasn't supposed to be a double-entendre.
LOL - thank you
Date: 2006-09-01 02:17 am (UTC):)
sr
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Date: 2006-08-25 12:58 pm (UTC)I love the way you take canon events and motivations like Dru and Kendra and Xander believing in his friends above a cause and then you just shift everything a bit to the left. It's all so recognisable and yet totally original.
Lovely chapter and no doubt they will still have their confrontations even though Xander has submitted. Can't wait to see what Angel's reaction will be!
Thank you...
Date: 2006-09-01 02:19 am (UTC)Yeah...I always thought Fred did..I mean..she did survive on Pylea on her own for awhile.. :)
thank you! What a lovely compliment!
LOL You know...I almost dread writing Angel...I'm not sure I can make him as half as interesting as he is in my head right now. :)
LOL
sr
Thank you...
Date: 2006-09-01 02:20 am (UTC)Yeah...I always thought Fred did..I mean..she did survive on Pylea on her own for awhile.. :)
thank you! What a lovely compliment!
LOL You know...I almost dread writing Angel...I'm not sure I can make him as half as interesting as he is in my head right now. :)
Anyway...sorry for the long delay. I'll be posting the next chap sometime in the next 48 hours.
sr
LOL
sr
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Date: 2006-08-25 03:12 pm (UTC)Are Regents more than human? If so what's the difference between them and Biogens?
I love how well thought out your 'verse is - how long have you been planning this story?
Hope you have a fantastic weesend.
Shakatany
PS battle of Prauge was Prague rearranged on purpose? if so it's certainly no error - makes sense.
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Date: 2006-08-25 07:45 pm (UTC)good old fashion typo...
I'll let Angel explain it.. >;)
did the plot points in june...had the basics and the big stuff down...and a lot of the details started to fill as I began to write (had to update notes)...
sr
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Date: 2006-08-25 04:24 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-08-25 06:02 pm (UTC)haven't forgotten about that...
Date: 2006-08-25 07:43 pm (UTC)sr
Re: haven't forgotten about that...
Date: 2006-08-26 03:06 am (UTC)no subject
Thank you...
Date: 2006-09-01 02:21 am (UTC)sr
Re: Thank you...
Date: 2006-09-01 11:25 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-08-25 11:53 pm (UTC):)
That's all i got.
LOL
Date: 2006-09-01 02:21 am (UTC)Well that's plenty!
Sorry for the long delay. Next chap out in the next 48 hours.
sr
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Date: 2006-08-26 12:11 am (UTC)thank you
Date: 2006-09-01 02:22 am (UTC)LOL...anyway..sorry for the long delay. Hope to have the next chap up in the next 48 hours.
sr
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Date: 2006-08-26 09:20 am (UTC)Okey, since I haven't commented in the last six chapters I'm gonna do some groupcommenting in this...
About chapters 10-13. They were really nice and every time Spike made Xander feel better I just went 'Awwww'. And you did a really good job with the Jesse story.
And about chapter 14... *takes a deep breath* IT MADE ME SCREAM BLOODY MURDER!
Now about this chapter.. I was still really angry with you at the beginning, 'cause you made everybody angry with Xander and kept Spike hurt, but not to worry at the and of all this I was grinning happily. :) And I'm happy that you made Xander loose his counsil beliefs but still stay true to his character.
Phew, that was a long comment. Now that it's over, hope you had fun in your home town and in the high school reunion.
LOL
Date: 2006-09-01 02:24 am (UTC)Oh...so that's what that noise was! :)
Well..I'm certainly glad I posted chapter 15 before I left town...or..I hate to think of the comment I would have come back to!
Anyway..thank you for your wonderful comments and I'm glad you were left grinning happily.
I should have chap 16 posted in the next 48 hours. Sorry for the long delay.
sr
Thank you...
Date: 2006-09-01 02:26 am (UTC)Really sorry about the long delay in responding and the dry spell. However, I promise...unless something really bad happens...chap 16 will be up in the next 48 hours.
sr
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Date: 2006-08-28 03:30 am (UTC)Oh my!
Date: 2006-09-01 02:27 am (UTC)Thank you so much for the wonderful comments and I'm glad you are enjoying the story!
I love you icon by the way!
Anyway...chap 16 should be posted some time in the next 48 hours.
sr
BREAKING FREE
Date: 2006-08-28 08:14 am (UTC)THANKS FOR SHARING!!
Re: BREAKING FREE
Date: 2006-09-01 02:28 am (UTC)You are very welcome. I love you icon!
Anyway..I'm glad you like and are enjoying. Barring something really unforseen..next chap should be out in the next 48 hrs.
sr
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Date: 2006-10-19 12:38 am (UTC)Xander really is crap at worming out information. *g*
LOL - thank you
Date: 2006-10-19 02:53 am (UTC)And yeah...they are moving fast...but really...Spike did just kind of bowl Xander over...I don't think Xan ever really had a chance. And...really, who could resist Spike?
sr
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Date: 2006-11-26 11:30 am (UTC)If Spike, Faith and crew just coax a bit more...*then* he's got to get Willow and Buffy out, too. Because you need the complete set!
This was a very moving chapter. I like that Xander didn't make any wild promises-he knows it's going to be difficult to balance his care for everyone-but he's admitted some important things, here.
Sweet point about Jesse. Knowing that Xander was in love with him; loving him deeply but just not the way he needed, wishing he could...sad. Glad that Faith thinks Xander's worth the effort to stand up for him & to confront him, both.
I couldn't sleep, so I got up & this was the first thing I headed for, oh yeah.
Pesti
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Date: 2010-04-22 01:01 pm (UTC)i did giggle at him asking how long he was going to have to grow his hair - Spike has a definite hair fetish!