Breaking Free (12/many?)

[stillrose]

Title: Breaking Free (12/many?)
Fandom: BTVS; Spike/Xander
Warnings: Slash, AU, Sci-fi, mild-violence, bit of Dom kink
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Lt. “Xander” Harris and Captain William the Bloody have both suffered and lost in the on going war between the Biogens and Council. Now, Xander finds himself a prisoner of Captain William the Bloody (aka Spike). What will be Xander’s fate?

Ok...this is for lit_gal because if I hadn't read Beautiful Broken I would not have come to adore her writing which led me to begin writing in her tamingthemuse community...and that gave me the courage to try and make Breaking Free more than just some plot points.

Also this is once again for petxnd for the wonderful new graphics. I don't do grapics so it's such a treat  for me to have someone create beautiful banners. Thank you!

Previous parts here.

As always: Feedback makes my heart go pitter-patter.

 

Eventually Xander’s breathing grew even more deep and even until Spike knew he was on the cusp of sleep. Spike ceased his massaging, reached for the blanket, lay down and covered him and his boy.

“Lights,” Spike said softly and then curled up next to his boy throwing an arm and a leg over him.

Xander stared at the familiar surroundings. I don’t want to be here, his mind screamed. Xander looked around. Everything was still the same. The two corridors stretched out before him. Down the right led to the control room of the relay station and the left led to the storage and living area.

“Doesn’t this get old?” a voice asked from behind Xander.

“Jesse!” Xander shouted in surprise and turned to stare at the man behind him. Jesse’s tall and lanky form with his short dark hair and thick dark eye brows sent Xander’s heart racing. Though for the first time Xander could remember his heart raced only in joy at seeing his friend; not with desire.

Jesse smiled at Xander and moved forward. Then Xander remembered where they were.

“Jess,” Xander said, “this isn’t good. We need to leave here.”

“Xan,” Jess replied, “this is the only place you ever let me be.”

Jess then began to move off toward the right corridor.

“NO!” Xander screamed. “Don’t! Let’s stay together. Hey, even better, let’s get out of here.”

Jess smiled at Xander. “Bud, we would if we could.”

Jess continued to move off. Xander rushed after him and grabbed his arm.

“Please, Jess,” he said. “Don’t go.”

Jesse stopped and looked at Xander.

“It won’t change anything,” he sighed.

“I know, I just…”

Jesse reached out and put a hand on Xander’s shoulder and then slid it up to touch Xander’s face and calmly traced Xander’s eye patch. Xander turned his face into the touch.

“Even in your dreams…,” Jess whispered.

Xander nodded.

“…Lt. Xander LaVelle Harris…” echoed slightly down from the left corridor.
“You have to stop this, Xander,” Jesse said.

“I try, Jess! I try! Over and over I try and it never changes! It alwa…,” Xander began to cry.

Jess reached forward and hugged Xander to him kissing the soft hair above Xander’s ear.

“…Caleb…unarmed….back home…,” another warm voice drawled and filtered down from the right corridor.

“Xander,” Jess whispered into Xander’s ear as he held the shaking man. “I mean this. This self torture.”

“I deserve it,” Xander mumbled into Jesse’s neck.

Jesse pulled back slightly and took Xander’s head in his hands. He tilted Xander’s head up to meet his gaze.

“No you don’t,” Jess said. “I forgive you.”

Xander laughed bitterly.

“You’re my dream Jesse; of course you’d say that.”

“Maybe,” argued Jesse, “But don’t you think the real Jesse would forgive you too?”

“The real Jesse’s dead!” Xander snarled as he tried to pull away. Jesse held strong.

“Yes he is,” Jesse said. “But he loved you…”

Xander snorted.

“He did Xander. Maybe not the way you wanted and needed but he did love you the best way he could. You were his best friend. Did you ever wonder if maybe Jesse wished he could give you what you wanted? Did you ever think he might carry his own hurt that he couldn’t?”

“Don’t,” whispered Xander.

“If thine eye offends me…,” Caleb’s voice once again echoed out of the right corridor, “…pluck it out!”

A blood curdling scream ripped through the station. Jesse grabbed Xander and held him close. His hands carded through Xander’s hair as he Xander began to whimper and cry.

“Shhh! Xander,” Jesse soothed the trembling man. “I got ya. I got ya, pet.”

Xander looked up suddenly at the word “pet”. Jesse’s face and body changed and it was Spike holding him and soothing him.

“No,” Xander said as he tried to struggle.

“XAAAAANDEERR!” Jesse’s voice came roaring down the left corridor quickly followed by Jesse himself.

Xander turned in Spike’s arms. “Jesse! Don’t!” he screamed.

Spike wrapped his arms around Xander and held him firmly. He placed small kisses down Xander’s neck.

“It’s ok, pet. You’re ok. I got ya. I got ya, pet,” Spike soothed and he held Xander firm.

Jesse went tearing down the right corridor. He was shouting into his communicator, “This is Captain Jesse McNally; requesting IMMEDIATE back-up and a med-crash unit. Stat!”

“Oh God! Jesse,” Xander cried and whimpered. “Please don’t! Don’t! Spike! Please! Let me go! I gotta stop him!”

Spike continued his soothing litany while keeping Xander pressed firmly close to him. There was a sound of a scuffle and then another horrible scream of agony. This time it was Jesse’s.”

“…he really doesn’t have a heart…,” Caleb’s voice echoed.

Then the room began to fill with arriving Initiative back-up and Xander’s horrible screams. Xander collapsed in Spike’s arms sobbing Jesse’s name. Xander woke up in the same position.

***
Xander’s tear-filled eye flew open and he felt Spike wrapped around Xander’s sweat slicked body. Spike’s arms were holding Xander tight and Spike was pressing tiny kisses all along Xander’s neck.

Over and over Spike kept saying, “Shhh! Pet. I got ya. It’s ok, Xan. It’s ok, pet. I got ya.”

Xander stiffened. He didn’t want this. He didn’t want a fuckin’ soulless Biogen offering up something it could never understand; compassion.

“Let me go,” Xander said icily.

Spike froze but kept his hold on Xander.

“You awake?” Spike asked softly.

“I’m awake and I want you to fucking let me go!” Xander shouted at the end.

Slowly Spike retracted his arms and rolled slightly away from Xander. The moment Xander was free he was off the bed and on the other side of the room from Spike. Spike sat up and watched Xander.

“You wanna talk about it, pet?” Spike asked and then said, “Lights.”

“No I don’t want to talk about it!” yelled Xander. “I want you to fuckin’ leave me alone! I want you to stop touching me! I want to sleep in the other room or anywhere that takes me away from you and I especially want you to stop calling me your fuckin’ ‘pet’!”

Spike got off the bed and moved in front of the bedroom hatch; blocking off the entrance.

“You’re not going anywhere, Xander,” Spike said softly.

“I hate you!” Xander shouted. “Don’t you get it? I just don’t fuckin’ like you! I HATE you! Do you get off trying to seduce someone that wants you dead?”

Spike actually winced. His boy’s words hurt more than Spike realized they would. Still, he pressed on. This wound’s been festerin’ long enough and it’s goin’ ta get drained one way or another, Spike thought.

“Is it really me you hate, Xander or another Biogen?” Spike asked.

Xander gasped and his eye narrowed. “Is there a fuckin’ difference? Didn’t you all pretty much come from the same soup? Weren’t your nanonites pretty much mass produced from the same factory?”

Different tack then, Spike thought.

“What happened to Jesse?” Spike asked.

Xander hissed, “Don’t you dare say his name!”

“Why not, pet?” Spike deliberately pressed. “What’s so sacred about the name Jesse?”

“Stop it!” snarled Xander.

“Why are you constantly martyring yourself to his name, pet?” again Spike poked.

“I’m warning you, Spike! Shut up!”

“C’mon, pet, who is Jesse? Tell me. So I too can share in the worship of the great Jesse, Jesse, Jesse…”

Xander snarled and charged at Spike; ignoring the possibility the chip may fire if he actually tried to hurt Spike. Quickly Spike side-stepped the rushing man, swung his arm out to clothes line Xander in the stomach and then knocked his enraged boy back on to the bed.

The force of colliding with Spike’s out stretched arm knocked the air out of Xander and when he landed on his back on the bed it took more than a moment for his body to figure out how to get air back into his lungs. Spike took advantage of those moments to pounce on his boy and pin him down with his hands above his head and his Spike’s weight firmly holding his boy’s legs still.

“What. Happened. To. Jesse?” Spike asked very slowly and very softly.

Xander stared up at Spike with hate and frustration burning in his one eye.

“Go to hell!” snarled Xander.

Spike sighed. “Ok, so much for the nice way, pet.”

Spike quickly moved off of Xander and before Xander could move or roll off the bed Spike had grabbed him by the upper arms and was hauling him up toward the head of the bed. Xander realized what Spike was about to do and began to struggle. It did him very little good as once again he felt the collar being attached to the restraint.

Spike then grabbed Xander’s at hands and cuffed them one by one back to the restraints.

“NO! Stop Spike! Please! Stop!” Xander began to scream as Spike was now moving down to shackle Xander’s legs.

Once again Xander was bound and stretched out naked on Spike. Xander jerked and screamed.
“You sick asshole! You blond butchering freak! Is this how you get your jollies, huh?!”

Spike moved away from the bed and into the washroom. He wet down a rag and came back into the bed room and sat down near Xander.

“Are you done, pet?” Spike asked softly.

“Fuck you, Spike! You murdering soulless piece of filth! You’re nothing but a thing! A heartless thing that tortures and maims and…”

“Right,” Spike said as he draped the wet washcloth over Xander’s forehead. Then he got up and moved to the bedroom hatch.

“Lights,” Spike ordered, stepped through the hatchway, closed the hatchway door and then poured himself a tall whiskey.

Spike sat on the couch nursing his whiskey for a long while Xander ranted and raved. When the insults came less and the sobs more Spike finished his drink, poured a glass of water from the bar and moved back toward the bedroom hatch. He opened the door.

“Lights,” Spike softly called. A puffy and red-rimmed brown eye swiveled Spike’s way.

“I really hate you, “ Xander softly whispered.

“Be that as it may, pet,” Spike answered. “Are you ready to talk to me now?”

Xander nodded as much as the collar restraint would allow. Spike moved forward and set the glass of water on the table. He then went and picked up the now warm and moist cloth from Xander’s forehead. Spike went into the bathroom, rewet it, and came back out. Gently he wiped down Xander’s flushed and tear stained cheek. Every now and then a new tear would leak out and Spike would wipe it away too.

Then Spike undid the collar restraint but left Xander’s hands bound. Spike set aside the cloth and retrieved the glass of water from the dresser. Spike moved back the bed and used one hand to support the back of Xander’s head while the other guided the glass to Xander’s lips.

“Just water, pet,” Spike said. “You need some after a fit like that.”

Xander was thirsty and so he did begin to sip at the cool water. It felt wonderful going down his raw and hoarse throat.

Once Xander drank about half the water, Spike pulled the glass away and lay Xander’s head back down. Spike put the glass back down on the dresser and then stretched out on the bed along side Xander. Spike stretched out on his side propping his head on his elbow. He had one hand free to pet his boy if he needed to and could look his boy in the eye.

“Now, pet” Spike said. Xander turned his unrestrained head to look at Spike. “You will tell me about your mate Jesse. If you start another fit, I’ll bundle you all back up good and proper again and leave ya till ya calm down just like before. I can do this as long as it takes. Do you understand?”

Xander nodded. He didn’t want to talk to Spike but Xander knew he just couldn’t do this anymore. Xander was so wrung out. Xander really had no choice and he knew Spike meant what he said.

Xander stared at Spike. Spike stared back and then reached out a hand to Xander. Tenderly Spike began to card his fingers through Xander’s hair as he waited for his boy to speak. Spike played with one lock that he kept tucking and re-tucking behind Xander’s ear. Xander just watched Spike.

“Longer hair would suit ya, pet,” Spike whispered.

For some reason Xander didn’t understand the comment made him smile. Spike took advantage of the smile and abandoned Xander’s hair to trace that smile with Spike’s fingers. He loved the soft feel of his pet’s lips. Then Spike resumed petting Xander; running his fingers through the rich dark hair.

“Tell me about Jesse, pet,” Spike softly asked.

“Jess,” Xander sighed. “Jess was my best friend. I loved him. I really loved him. We grew up together. He was everything I wasn’t. He was quick, graceful, and comfortable with himself. Willow, he and I, we were just this unstoppable trio. Why they needed me around sometimes I’ll never know, but I’m glad they did.”

Xander paused. Spike remained silent just watching and petting his boy.

“Mostly Wills and Jess had Initiative aptitude but somehow they made sure my scores were passable and we got assigned together to work with Buffy.”

Spike nodded.

“Things just evolved quickly after that. Wills got jacks and became a Cybermage and Jesse,” Xander smiled. “Well Jesse probably got in more trouble then I. But his screw ups were on purpose and usually resulted in a successful outcome. Didn’t take long for him to get promoted to Captain and become Buff’s right hand man. Her primary back-up.”

Xander paused. Spike brushed a thumb over Xander’s left eye brow.

“I mostly helped with research, weapons inventory and fetch and carry. But hey I was allowed in all the meetings and got to be with my friends. It was a good life.”

“So wot happened?” Spike whispered as he continued to smooth the flesh around Xander’s sunken eye socket.

“I missed Jess.” Xander replied. “I mean we just never had any ‘us’ time. Any guy time. Especially after the Faith incident. Jess was more withdrawn and more hardcore. Whatever discipline he’d received from the Council changed him and he was more work then play. It was wrong of me, I know but I was hurt. I wanted my friend back. I know that he never cared for me the way I did for him or wanted from me what I wanted from him but…”

Xander trailed off. A small tear trickled from his right eye. Spike softly scooped it away.

“Anyway,” Xander continued, “there was this report of a Council stat, relay station, malfunctioning. They’re routine reports. Stats are usually unmanned most of the time. They’re on auto run. They do life-support and have supplies for when techs need to stay or the odd Council ship comes by but for the most part they just run and every now and then a glitch happen and there’s a malfunction and someone needs to go out and look at the stat. Happens all the time. Protocol is to send a small squad out led by a two man recon unit.”

Xander turned his head and began to jerk against the bounds. “Spike, please let me loose.”

“No, pet,” Spike said softly but firmly as he removed his hand from his boy, “I tried it the other way first and you didn’t want to play. We’re doing it this way now.”

Xander began to struggle a little harder. “Spike please! I just…I can’t…I need…”

“Wot do you need, Xander?” Spike asked.

‘I need to outta these damn things!” Xander shouted and jerked.

Spike started to stroke Xander’s stomach with long tender caresses. He leaned over his boy and began planting little kisses around his nipple and down his rib cage.

Xander’s breathing grew erratic and his struggles interspersed.

“Tell me,” Spike said between kisses, “wot happened at the relay station, pet.”

Xander lay still for a moment gasping and feeling Spike caress and kiss him.

Xander stared up at the ceiling and swallowed. It felt like he was splitting in two. Part of him was bound and nude on Spike’s bed; lying there being kissed and stroked by Spike. The other part of Xander was back on the relay station watching events from a year ago.

‘I convinced Jesse,” Xander began in flat tone, “that we should take on that mission. It would be routine and he and I could just have some hang time without the girls. He agreed and off we went. We would do the two man recon sweep of the station and if everything checked out, like it usually did, we’d leave the techs behind to repair the thing and off we’d go back to the ‘Dale; back to catching up with the girls at the Bronze.”

Xander paused a moment as if he were dusting off long buried files. Spike continued to pet, kiss and suckle his pet as necessary.

“We arrived and as planned Jess and I took the recon pass. Jess went to check out the control room and I went to check out the storage and living area. I never knew what Jess found in the control room but me? I found a man…a hurt looking man in the living area. He looked afraid. He showed me his bleeding arm. Said, ‘Please don’t hurt me, son.’ “

Xander swallowed.

“At first I couldn’t figure out why he thought I’d hurt him…and then…then I knew. He was a Biogen! He was a fuckin soulless Biogen!”

Tears began to fall from Xander’s eye. Spike abandoned kissing Xander’s side so he could nuzzle and lick away the salty liquid.

“I pulled my weapon and went to call for back-up. Protocol says…you encounter a Biogen…you call for back-up. But he just looked at me with these hurt brown eyes and he said, ‘Please son. I know you’re just doing your job but I’m hurt and I’m unarmed. I’m not a threat to ya. I just was looking for a bit food. I had some problems with my ship. It’s on the underside of the station. Used the sensors to camouflage it. It’s fixed now and I’ll I want is just some scraps here and I’m gone.’”

Xander tried to kick his legs. Spike whispered,”Shhhh,” and carded his fingers through Xander’s hair.

“I don’t know why I listened to him…but he looked helpless and he was bleeding blood. Red blood! I don’t know why but I always thought Biogens would bleed differently. I just stood there looking at him. And he just kept talking and smiling. Kept telling me he and most Biogens were harmless. They just wanted to be free to live their lives. That wasn’t wrong was it? Didn’t I just want to live my life? I identified myself. He told me his name. I knew I should have called for back-up. I knew I should have yelled for Jesse but he just seemed so harmless. Kept repeating he was unarmed and just wanted to go home. Then he smiled and that’s when I realized how close he’d gotten to me. I said, ‘Please step back.’ Before I knew it he’d grabbed my gun and jerked it away from me!”

Xander’s eye was wide now and his tears were a steady stream. Spike continued to nuzzle and pet Xander. Spike threw his leg across Xander’s and pulled himself tighter to his boy.

“Then he grabbed me and suddenly he wasn’t so harmless any more. He laughed and he looked me up and down. He called me a ‘Council meat sack’. Said he’d been done with them a long time ago. Said he didn’t serve the Council any more and then…and then …Oh God Spike!”

Spike gripped his boy hard. Xander closed his eye.

“He said he didn’t like the way I looked at him! He said my eye offended him and he was going to pluck it out!”

Xander was sobbing now. Spike continued to hold on to and touch Xander.

“He stuck his thumb in my left eye and he just…just scooped it out Spike! He just scooped out my fuckin’ eye like it was nothing! I screamed! I screamed…and then the next thing I knew …Caleb…,”

Caleb? Spike recognized the name. Screw Angel’s rules, Spike vowed, Caleb’s dead when I find him.

“…Jesse was there ordering Caleb to let me go but he threatened to snap my neck. Told Jesse to put down his gun. I don’t remember if I begged Jesse not to do it. I hope I did. But it doesn’t matter cuz Jesse did! He put down his fuckin’ gun, kicked it away and the next thing I know Caleb’s throwing me against the wall. He and Jesse are fighting. I’m trying to sit up. My head is screaming in pain. I’m trying to focus…to see…and it’s so hard, Spike! But I do make it only to see Jesse’s hurt and bleeding and Caleb’s got him and then Caleb’s lookin’ at me and smiles…he fuckin’ smiles and he says, ‘you, you’re all heart son’ and then…”

Xander’s was jerking and arching off the bed as hard as he could. Spike was holding him tight nuzzling him as best he could.

“…Then…he jammed his fist right into Jesse’s chest…grabbed….OH GOD! SPIKE HE RIPPED OUT JESSE’S HEART!” Xander sobbed.

Spike kissed, petted and licked his boy. Spike swore, Caleb’s dead. There won’t be a trial or evidence or the need to prove he broke Angel’s sodding rules. He’s just dead.

“And…and you know what he said Spike? Huh? You know what he said? He said ‘this one he really doesn’t have a heart,’ and he threw Jesse’s body at me. Then there was the sound of back-up arriving. Caleb looked at me and laughed. Said it was my lucky day and that we’d finish later and he left….he still had Jesse’s heart, Spike…he still had Jesse’s heart…”

Xander was now lying flat on the bed with his head turned toward Spike. He was sobbing.

“I couldn’t tell them where Caleb went…I didn’t…couldn’t see…all I could do was hold Jesse’s cooling body..I couldn’t tell them why I broke protocol..if I’d followed protocol…maybe I’d be dead..but Jesse..Jesse…Spike it’s all my fault…he’s dead…I loved him…he was my best friend and he’s dead cuz I trusted a fuckin’ soulless Biogen.”

Spike rained kisses down on his boys face. He licked tears away and thanked what ever omniscient beings were listening that Xander hadn’t followed protocol; that Xander was alive.

“There was an inquiry and…they reassigned me to be ‘diplomatic liason’…under Captain Riley…it’s a joke job..and it takes me away from Buffy and Wills and…then…then you….the DeSoto…you…”

“Yeah, me, pet,” Spike said softly.

Xander opened his eye to stare at Spike through a wash of tears.

“Make me forget,” Xander whispered and pleaded, “Please, Spike. Beat me, kiss me, kill me…just make me forget.”

Spike swept his gaze over Xander's face as if it were a treasure he’d been searching for all his life and had finally found. Then Spike fixed his gaze back on Xander’s pleading chocolate eye. Spike smiled, leaned forward and murmured against Xander’s trembling lips, “I’ll take option number two, pet.”

TBC in prt 13

Comments

*blush* Thank you...

[stillrose.livejournal.com]

That was just amazing. It didn't fall flat at all. It was heartwrenching and nervewracking and very well done.

Thank you...I know you all waited a long time to find out what happened. I think you understand now why Xander just couldn't "spill it"

Now for some sweet lovin', right? O_O <---puppy eyes.

Chap 13. >;)

Xander will never forget, but he will learn that it wasn't his fault and maybe the memories won't be quite so painful.

Hopefully.

I forsee "Breaking Free" becoming a spander classic, ranking right up there with "Repossession" and "Changes." :nodnod:

Oh now I'm blushing for sure. Thank you.

sr